Today seem different, perhaps its because I know its the last day of Chemo application? Perhaps its because ive been awake most of the night (I get hyperactive when I don't sleep) I have so far made the most of the excess energy knowing im going to crash later. I've so far, done the laundry, helped my hubby dismantle the now completely busted gazebo, watered my plants, all while avoiding doing dishes. I don't know why im not doing them, I know they will need to be done but for now my brain is just in avoidance of them. maybe today ill muster the energy to start mums painting? we will see. When suddenly it hits, gut wrenching nausea. Whew this is the part I hate the most. Without any warning at all. Ok I guess for now I best curb my energy in favour of my bodies need to rest.... Fuck you Cancer! But im going to beat you yet.
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Today is an exceptionally tough day emotionally. The pain in my face thanks to chemo cream, the lack of sleep thanks to getting accustomed to a new side sleeper high rise pillow thanks to hiatus hernia, and constant over thinking what is the mass. What is THE MASS. Mass. hard word all on its own. 11 weeks ago i was rushed to hospital with severe abdominal pain. I wasn't able to eat, drink, move even. Turned out to be Diverticulitis. Something i has supported other clients with but never thought it would come to me. Well the words from the surgeon after my CT scan where as follows. "we have confirmed you have Diverticulitis but there is a large mass" now his hand gesture made me look to my husband as he held them apart like he was holding a football. Nervous Yes oh my gods yes. later when talking with one out of the three surgeons now on my case i asked about the mass and he tried hard to divert the conversation. i said to him im already being treated for SCC (squamous
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I am not a writer, just an immortal soul trapped in a mortal vessel. Why did I end up in such a broken human body?? Perhaps I was to learn a lesson about suffering? Where did my journey start? early 70's I was born to a much to young mother, still learning about life herself. Life wasn't easy at all but we tried to find our ways through it. I was blessed with Psychic ability from a very very young age. not everyone liked this idea at the time I was labelled a weirdo, jinx, black eye bastard, devils child. I was blamed for being born, ruining lives, being born a girl and worst of all parents mistakes even though I was only 3 at the time. Over time I had learnt not to speak what was being said to me by higher powers for risk of ridicule, and severe punishments. Beatings called Hidings, neglect for other pursuits of the flesh, being left alone way too young, were all a part of my parents still growing up along side of my own growth. I was tortured and raped multiple times by