I am not a writer, just an immortal soul trapped in a mortal vessel. 

Why did I end up in such a broken human body?? Perhaps I was to learn a lesson about suffering?

Where did my journey start?

early 70's I was born to a much to young mother, still learning about life herself. 

Life wasn't easy at all but we tried to find our ways through it. I was blessed with Psychic ability from a very very young age. not everyone liked this idea at the time I was labelled a weirdo, jinx, black eye bastard, devils child. 

I was blamed for being born, ruining lives, being born a girl and worst of all parents mistakes even though I was only 3 at the time. 

Over time I had learnt not to speak what was being said to me by higher powers for risk of ridicule, and severe punishments.

Beatings called Hidings, neglect for other pursuits of the flesh, being left alone way too young, were all a part of my parents still growing up along side of my own growth. 

I was tortured and raped multiple times by someone in our family, from the age of 3 until I was 8, where we finally moved from our dry country home to the "Big City by the sea". Life didn't get any better for now my parents were apart. Living as an only child with a single Mother was hardest of all. While we did have our good days, they were over taken by new attractions of the flesh, new friends, new ways to be away from the child whom needed them the most. I was forced into babysitting positions from the age of 10, as the circle of friends grew and babies came along. 

Can you imagine, 10 years old, left alone in a house with a 2 week old baby, never once knowing what to do, all the while trying to keep yourself safe when all you have is fear. 

As the years passed my responsibilities grew. Up until I was 10 it was simple things like washing, vacuuming and moping, occasionally cooking dinners, mowing the lawns, just simple things. Once i hit 13 my chores where almost unspoken laws. Polishing hard wood floors, meals ready on time, laundry washed, hung and then folded when dry, along with that came ironing what needed to be ironed sheets included. 

Once I became a teen though my curfew was in place. No leaving the house at night, no parties, including my own, all chores must be done every afternoon, (im sure we all had chores) homework etc was done as soon as I got home so that I had time for Chores before cooking dinner and going to bed. 

What happened if I missed my chores or they weren't up to par??? Well belts, jug cords, spatulas, shoes, sometimes fist, were used to "discipline" me into a state of obedience. I was always AFRAID!

So I found myself lost in books. They were my only escape from the reality of this life. 

Never one to rock the boat, or make anyone mad, I became a people pleaser. All I wanted was the approval of the ones I loved the most. This neglect and sense of need to please created in me a need to always do what others wanted to do. Sometimes it lead me to habits that temporarily seemed to soothe that need, but never sustained it. 

I vowed once I became an adult to never treat anyone in a manner that I had suffered.  

At the age of 18 I feel in love with the Man I had once shared a school with. Now we have shared 33 wonderful years. No they haven't all been perfect but we have worked through them all. 

The hardest days have been throughout the last year to two years with sudden medical issues plaguing me.

How is it we work our lives away, neglect the pain and warning signs of our Human body to satisfy the need to please others. Whether working or partnerships, parenting and friendships. 

Why do we need such validation? Decades of disassociation of my body has left me now in a state of constant pain, constant fatigue, and fighting for every day above the earth. 

WHY?

Why do I continue on? Because I Love. Even through the pain and trauma, even after neglect and abuse, I found Love. Love in the form of a beautiful Husband,  compassionate loving children, and now a blessing in the form of Granddaughter.

My failings as a parent haunt me daily, did I give them enough attention or did I smoother them. Did I drink to much to drown my demons? Yes. Did my drinking harm those I Love, Yes, yes it did. At the time of my heavy drinking I became lost and in a way harmful to myself. My pain and hurt was un-escapable to me. Anytime I felt I let someone down, or disciplined my own children the pain and hurt I felt consumed me, so I hide in the bottle. This lead to loneliness as the illusion no one wanted or cared for me became heavier over time. SO what did I do? I got deeper into the bottle, I drank myself into states of believing I needed someone to pay me attention no matter what it was. this lead to affairs that left me empty, but Hurt my Partner, unforgiveable hurt that still haunts me. 

Early 2010 I was rushed to hospital for what was assumed to be a heart attack. For 5 days I was tested prodded and poked and then sent home to recover from what was later called a "heart attack like event" recovery was slow, but the beautiful soul of that amazing Man helped me heal and we bonded once again. 

It wasn't long before pressures of life had me self medicating again and this lead to a life changing event and turning point in my life. 

Late 2011 I drove myself to hospital, for what I thought at the time was merely an allergic reaction, but later became obvious as a Stroke. The realisation that I had stopped (rather never started) taking care of myself. Why did I do that? Well it was simple, I did not feel as though I deserved to be happy, deserve to be loved, so why should I feel those emotions for myself. I had to make a change. I had to do it now, or I was never going to be there when my children needed me. 

I worked hard every day, the 3 pure souls in my life helped me with everything, from mobility exercises, cooking, writing, walking and all the while the love of my life kept me close to him.

4 months later o took myself to college, even though I now suffered short term memory issues I was determined to heal my body mind and soul. So I started studying an Advance diploma in Western Herbal Medicine. I ate better, drank less, provided better environment and love for my family and myself. Unfortunately I was unable to complete the training as I was now required to urgently get a job to help support our family, which lead me to nursing. 8 years I spent tending the needs or others that had suffered far more than I. I ended up in Age Care. I spent two years in a Dementia and Palliative Unit assisting the lives of our elders. I was good at it too. Why because I knew how they felt, abandoned by their family when they needed them most. Now I don't mean my family created with the beautiful soul that I Call Husband, but the family that created me. 

I was once asked "why are you so kind to me, why do you do this ?" I could only reply "because one day, I may need help too and I'd like to know that the things I do will one day be done for me with as much love as I give to you." So I live my life as Karmically as I can. 

So why have I Shared all of this here? So you understand why I am now trying to allow myself self love. Self respect, and self worth. 

The last two years have been exceptionally rough medically speaking. Fibromyalgia, Multiple Sclerosis, Cancer. Yes that heavy word Cancer. I've battled Breast lumps, skin cancers, now I stare down the barrel of Bowel Cancers.   Punishment from my body for the decades of self loathing, self hatred and Self destruction. 

"For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction"(Newtons law) For every time I hated myself my cells reacted. For every time I self medicated a part of my body started to die. This landed me exactly where I am today.  Immortal in a very very Mortal vessel that is quitting. 

Do I still drink alcohol, yes. But not as often, and defiantly not as heavy, and not to drown demons. 

Do I love myself, no but im working on that every day with family and medical professionals.

Do I forgive myself? That is the greater question. The answer is Yes! I have learned to allow myself to be Human. As Humans we make mistakes, but if we stop and learn from them we can in turn, move forward.  As I move forward I choose to make decisions that will in turn create a balance in my world. Create more love and laughter, make memories my family can be proud of, and look back to when I have left this world behind, as moments they loved and will make them smile when they think of me. 

I work hard everyday on building my self esteem, and self love. Letting go of the past life of pain and trauma that ultimately I had no control of, yet blamed myself for. I am worthy of love and giving love, being happy and creating happiness. I am the one responsible for my vessel and I choose to take care of it in a manner it deserves no matter its past. I forgive myself for self abuse, for self harm, for self loathing. I forgive Me!  I Love Me! I will continue to fight through this chapter as I have so many times in my life, but I shall do so with love not harm. 

I am Mortal on this earth, and I am not ready yet to leave it. There is so much more love and life inside this vessel that I will not fail the blessing that is a human form. I Have spent the last year preparing my departure from this planet while making sure my family are taken care of.  I work hard even though my body is failing, and throughout this there is one dream left for Us. I fight everyday and every way I can to work towards it.  We are simple people with very simple needs. We don't wish fame or fortune but a simple life on the water in our own houseboat. Every time we make it to an acceptable deposit medical issues take the funds. But we keep trying. We will eventually make it there, I truly believe that we will. I often dream of our water home, our lives on it, our views and peace of mind. 

This Dream Keeps me going, Keeps me fighting, keeps me moving forward, as its the last piece of this lives puzzle I want to leave for my family.

Dreams will become reality. 

I've got this!!!!!