My Life with illness

 Today seem different, perhaps its because I know its the last day of Chemo application? Perhaps its because ive been awake most of the night (I get hyperactive when I don't sleep) I have so far made the most of the excess energy knowing im going to crash later. I've so far, done the laundry, helped my hubby dismantle the now completely busted gazebo, watered my plants, all while avoiding doing dishes. I don't know why im not doing them, I know they will need to be done but for now my brain is just in avoidance of them.  maybe today ill muster the energy to start mums painting? we will see. When suddenly it hits, gut wrenching nausea. Whew this is the part I hate the most. Without any warning at all.  Ok I guess for now I best curb my energy in favour of my bodies need to rest....  Fuck you Cancer! But im going to beat you yet. 

 Today is an exceptionally tough day emotionally.  The pain in my face thanks to chemo cream, the lack of sleep thanks to getting accustomed to a new side sleeper high rise pillow thanks to hiatus hernia, and constant over thinking what is the mass. What is THE MASS.  Mass. hard word all on its own. 11 weeks ago i was rushed to hospital with severe abdominal pain. I wasn't able to eat, drink, move even. Turned out to be Diverticulitis. Something i has supported other clients with but never thought it would come to me. Well the words from the surgeon after my CT scan where as follows. "we have confirmed you have Diverticulitis but there is a large mass" now his hand gesture made me look to my husband as he held them apart like he was holding a football.  Nervous Yes oh my gods yes. later when talking with one out of the three surgeons now on my case i asked about the mass and he tried hard to divert the conversation. i said to him im already being treated for SCC (squamous