Today is an exceptionally tough day emotionally. 

The pain in my face thanks to chemo cream, the lack of sleep thanks to getting accustomed to a new side sleeper high rise pillow thanks to hiatus hernia, and constant over thinking what is the mass. What is THE MASS. 

Mass. hard word all on its own. 11 weeks ago i was rushed to hospital with severe abdominal pain. I wasn't able to eat, drink, move even. Turned out to be Diverticulitis. Something i has supported other clients with but never thought it would come to me. Well the words from the surgeon after my CT scan where as follows. "we have confirmed you have Diverticulitis but there is a large mass" now his hand gesture made me look to my husband as he held them apart like he was holding a football. 

Nervous Yes oh my gods yes. later when talking with one out of the three surgeons now on my case i asked about the mass and he tried hard to divert the conversation. i said to him im already being treated for SCC (squamous cell carcinoma)s and investigated for thyroid cancer so just tell me." His reply was "then you know where we are going with this!"

Now there isn't any other way to fee but nervous when something like this is said. I'm now 12 day from what im sure is a very uncomfortable procedure to diagnose whether or not  now also have Bowel cancer. 

Cancer. what a word. Its a word that summons fear into even the strongest of us making us feel weakened and helpless. However this time i decided to stand up and fight harder then before. Even if it is the big C, i will not give up, i have things to do places to go and people to see. Cancer you wont win this fight. Not now not with this little green witch.